just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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