god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
