my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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