If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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