i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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