Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
