fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
