Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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