I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
