i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Randomize
