Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
