Just fell off a train. Bad.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
