if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
