i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
