Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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