since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
