Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
