I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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