I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
