What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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