Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
