I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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