I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
