it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
How does one acquire holy water?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
