How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
