He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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