WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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