so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
