Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
