I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
