I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
