It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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