john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
