one might say we're banned from that church
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
