I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
