my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just want nice things and good sex
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
