sorry about calling you the devil all night.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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