I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
