whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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