im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
