If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
