I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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