did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i want to swaddle you in tequila
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
