Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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