I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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