just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
