I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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