I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
There's always time for handjobs
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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