just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
so let's talk penis.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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