she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
do nipples grow back?
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